All of my dedicated fans know that my posts on this blog for the past three years have detailed my travel and wilderness adventures out in the world. Obviously, this month's post will not be in the same vein, as I have spent it in quarantine at my childhood home in Bedford, MA. I could go off about quarantine, but I'll just offer a pared down version of that rant. Main point #1: One of the peaks of my life has been robbed from me, I grieve for my lost season with NCOBS. Roaring 20's? Not so much. Main point #2: My grief in this time has opened me up to the pain of the world, which is worse than my own. I am incredibly fortunate to have a paycheck coming in, food on the table, healthy habits, and supportive relationships. This can't be overlooked. That previous sentence is mostly a reminder to myself. Main point #3: The learning and self growth that I am finding during this time never ceases to amaze me. I am sure that I will look back on this time someday with fondness... as it will have been my last childhood Bedford summer and during that time I grew so much. This post will be a tangent of main point #3. One of the ways that I have been processing this time and encouraging growth is through journaling. I've been journaling for years, and during quarantine, a new form of journaling crossed my plate. Thanks to multiple friends who recommended it to me, I took part in the Isolation Journals. The Isolation Journals by Suleika Jaouad dropped a new prompt from an artist of some type in my email inbox every day. I enjoyed journaling based off of prompts, as opposed to simply writing what was on my mind. After a month and a half of journaling in this way, I looked back and realized I had a few pieces worth sharing... The first piece is a story, I hope you enjoy it! The next three are tied together, but that was not done on purpose when I wrote them. The first of these pieces is a thesis, followed by an antithesis. The final piece is a synthesis... and some commentary on the nature of being. How I broke my rib in a ski crash4/19 "WRITE ABOUT A TIME WHEN YOU EXPERIENCED SOMETHING... WITH CONCRETE LANGUAGE THAT BRINGS THE EXPERIENCE TO LIFE" The crew had been skiing hard stuff all day. Someone suggested lets race down Bighorn (an easy groomed trail). I instantly thought to myself this is 100% where I crash. Right off the 3-2-1 GO, my legs started pumping, full anaerobic press. I know how to race. The desire to be the first skier in this line of amazing skiers pushed my eager pumping body over the first knuckle with enough speed to lead the way, but only for a fleeting moment. Crud, chunder, gnar, spicy dicey snow convinced my left ski to click off. It's departure from my foot was casual, like saying goodbye to your coworker at the end of the workday. I remained upright, mach five, for long enough for my inner monologue to say to me... "oh f*ck here we go." Then I put myself in a coffin and took it. Second ski popped off, thank goodness, but I hit hard. Sucker punch to my existence, a moment of air, a second sucker punch, then my body and the snow surface became quite intimate as I slid another 15 yards. Embarrassment lifted me back to my ski-less feet for a moment, but ultimately airless lungs took me back to my knees. A friend collected the yard sale and waited as I clipped back in. I skied down, racer style, carving and ripping, and took my first full deep breath once on the lift. My lungs could hold air again but something was out of place. That first sucker punch had slow motion spit flying TKO'd a rib bone, and now every inhale hurt. In the center of my upper torso, there was a sharp stinging reminder for months to come that I am mortal, and I am lucky. Every now and then, a small pain still makes itself known, but I think that's just the embarrassment knocking to remind me not to be stupid. And now I fully understand the importance of the ski binding release setting, talk about a formative lived experience. AN ENTRY FROM A HAPPY DAY4/12 "WRITE ABOUT YOUR BLESSINGS. ABOUT WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO WAKE UP TODAY, ABOUT THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE, ABOUT THE SONGS THAT HAVE LIFTED YOUR SPIRITS. WRITE ABOUT THE WIND IN THE TREES, OR OF REBIRTH IN SPRING, OR OF FREEDOM. WRITE ABOUT WHATEVER GIVES YOU LIFE..." My blessings are too many to count. My parents and what they've provided for me is the life force that enables me to conquer the world. Today I woke up feeling glorious that I was gonna go on a bike ride with my dad. And as I was leading the pack, flying downhill in high gear, hammertime, I thought to myself "now this is freedom." That was flow, that was a full day off my phone, engaged in the present. Cardio gives me life. Without cardio in this lockdown I would be nothing. Mind body and soul, all three must be growing. Mind through OB projects and personal reading/writing, soul and spirit through yoga and meditation, body through cardio. Things are going great since being at home. My ability to build a structure and find ways to stay busy is at an all time high, I am thankful to OB for that. Working at NCOBS is a blessing. Can't wait to be back in the field. an entry from a sad day4/21 "TAKE A FEW DEEP BREATHS. GROUND YOURSELF IN YOUR BODY... DO YOU FEEL WARMTH OR COOLNESS? HOW IS YOUR HEART? IF YOU'RE EXPERIENCING AN EMOTION, WHERE DOES IT SHOW UP IN THE BODY? WHAT COLOR, WHAT SHAPE DOES IT TAKE?" My heart hurts, frankly. I'm in physical pain from sadness most often. Reliefs include exercise, meditation, quality time. My body is healthy right now, probably healthier than if I was in the woods. But I'm sad, I'm empty, life hurts. ... later on, as the rant progressed... I have the toolbox and support and resources to get myself through this one day at a time. I will get through it. The sun will shine again. Rest in f***ing peace the peak of my life. If I had more tears to cry, I would drown myself in them. Are my feelings even valid? Yes but... There are kids starving, being hit, getting robbed of an education. How much does my sh*t even matter? Can I drop the ego and care for the world? Yes but it hurts too much to do so. I can sit with my pain, I prove that every day. I dream of the day that I feel only happiness and fulfillment. my synthesis of learning5/12 NO PROMPT, JUST ME. We ebb and flow as humans. COVID for me is a vacuum... in this vacuum, I ebb and flow. Some days I wake up wanting to be dead and some days I crush it. In normal life I may attribute it to something else, but here and now, with nothing else going on in my life, I can witness my own ebb and flow. It's also a good time to pinpoint what things set me up for success, what things make me less likely to wake up hating myself. Italian ice before bed instead of ice cream, only drink water (early and often), with an allowance of 8oz sprite per day. Cardio. Stretching, meditation & yoga. Journaling. Gotta stay on to put the odds in my favor. Gotta be happy with being here now. This really is one last childhood Bedford summer. At age 50 I'll be so glad to have had this time with my parents and friends. But some days I wake up Pain! Pain! Pain! I'd rather be asleep, nothing can save me. When the ebbs and flows come, I must keep awareness. Just like a breath they will come, and ultimately they will go. Here I sit, ready to witness it all. Thanks for reading my innermost thoughts! I want to wrap this up by encapsulating some of the media I've been enjoying during quarantine so as to a) have it documented for when I look back on this later and b) offer recommendations to anyone who may be bored. Music
TV
Books
That's all for this entry. As they say... "STAY SAFE OUT THERE" !! And if any of my ~avid readers~ want to book club regarding any of my consumed media, I would love it!
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